before I’m gone…

Blah blah another stuuuuupid update from my brain. I’m preparing myself for the start of the official adventure. I’m ready to say ‘fuck it’ and just take off, dragging my co-pilot with me…but no. Realistically, three weeks is all the time I’m going to need to get prepared for our hike down a long ass trail. I’m psyched. I’ve recently gotten off all the drugs (except alcohol…because fuck you) and for the first time since I’ve been out of prison my body feels good. I feel like all the bullshit I’ve put myself thru in the past couple of months has been some kind of training I didn’t really want to stop…but its pretty much over. The direction of this trainwreck has been decided and now I’m bound and determined to make it work. I’ve felt so trapped living in the northeast kingdom for so long, playing games with probation and parole, sticking needles in my arm, fist fights with people I hate and screaming matches with the people I love…it’s been too much. It’s been real but it hasn’t been real fun. This savage beast here needs some freedom. I need the wilderness, the comfort of an open road, the beauty of forward motion and no reverse. Maybe in these small towns up here I’m a horrendous fiend and everything narrow minded people love to hate…but out there in the unknown…I’m nobody and that’s exactly who I want to be. Just another strange creature passing through strange lands…plus, I have an awesome travel companion to share this adventure with. I still haven’t found a way to convince her to eat bugs and wrestle bears with me but I’m working on it, believe you me. I’ve been down and ready to give up on everything recently. Today is a new day (no-no, don’t worry. this isn’t a newly sober AA rant) and in all honesty, I am very happy. The closer I get to her, the more my happiness grows and the closer we get to the departure, the more weight I feel lifted off my chest. It feels good to breathe again. Gah…I can’t wait to start pooping in the woods.

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Smart’n’sassy ass

Smart’n’sassy ass

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Solo sadness

Solo sadness

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I miss my Ma…lol, prison photos

I miss my Ma…lol, prison photos

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Awww last one…only one of us together

Awww last one…only one of us together

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Slush Tabby

Slush Tabby

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My favorite person ever.

My favorite person ever.

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Whiskey slushie outside the liquor store

Whiskey slushie outside the liquor store

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User-friendly?

I am a drug addict. I generally don’t mind talking about it either, I figure why bother hiding the blatantly obvious? I started using at 13 with “softer shit” like pot, pain killers, alcohol and cold medications. I’m 26 now and have had plenty of chances to think over how quickly the monkey on my back turned into a giant fucking ape, beating me down. I’m not here to brag or awfulize, I’m just saying this habit has brought me a lot of fun. I’ve met good people making bad decisions like myself. I’ve also been put in detoxes, rehabs, homeless shelters, dope houses and prison cells…you gotta take the good with the bad, I guess. Like I was saying, I’m 26 now…now I am in the middle of my latest attempt at sobering up. I’m almost two months in without putting a needle in my arm. I see my arm everyday and wonder why I let it go so far. I’m ashamed when I see the giant track mark most of the time, today though, today I wear it as a battle scar. My fucking badge of proof. I fought that fight. I’m always fighting that fight. Life isn’t simple though, I cut the needle out but was using other pills to get by…its been about a week and a half (maybe more, time is…odd these days) and my body is finally feeling OK. I owe thanks to two people for getting me to where I’m at right now. My love, Tabby, for showing me that I’m worth trying for. I am worth the long, ridiculous battle that comes with recovery…but in all actuality I have to thank myself the most. I’ve been so self destructive, so angry and bitter with myself…I’m finally starting to forgive and treat myself better. I couldn’t do this without forgiving myself, I would just keep punishing myself for whatever reason if not. The gist of this is I’m a work in progress. Christ, that’s the understatement of the century, I’m not seeking advice or even offering any. I’m just saying no one should give up on themselves. Many people in your world will already ditch you or shove you aside if you live a self destructive life anyway…whether it’s drugs or any other self harm…trust me, there isn’t that big of a difference in shooting heroin, starving yourself, cutting or engaging in toxic relationships…regardless of what it is, you’re hurting yourself because of something that’s hurting you inside. Just don’t give up on yourself, you may be the only person on your side for awhile. I’m not saying you’re always gonna be alone so fuck you, it’s just not everyone lucks out right away like me and gets a Tabby in their life :) So to wrap this up…the state of Vermont is trying to close in on me for about ten years and while on the run, rather than committing more crimes or continuing my usual douchebaggery, I’ve decided to clean up and settle down with a good girl…I’m gonna keep forging my own trail. Fuck DOC and fuck drugs. Rant over.

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@DoomedDani

Ugh…twitter and stuff…thinking of giving up on tumblr and facebook both and using tweets as my voice of blind fury. cockasses.

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xemoboyfriendx:

"Are you a Sailor Scout?"
"I’m sailor Freddy Mercury."

xemoboyfriendx:

"Are you a Sailor Scout?"

"I’m sailor Freddy Mercury."

(Source: phlegminism, via thats-so-meme)

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the let down (part one)

I’m not even sure if it really matters at this point. I can hold myself together in some small, fragile truce between me and the monster inside. Unfortunately, I know it’s going to break and chaos will reign supreme again. I’m happy right now. I’m so fucking happy it kind of hurts. My fears. My insecurities. I’ve finally got someone in my life that has convinced me it’s worth living and still I can’t get over this insane fear that I’m going to fuck it all up somehow once she realizes she deserves better than me. Than this. A life on the run? A neurotic boyfriend? No promise of better things to come except hope? Do you know what the shitty thing is about hope? Generally things fall apart no matter how much faith you have in them or how hard you hope they’ll work out…I don’t want to be the next failure to break her heart. I just want to keep her happy. I want to stay happy…I’ve just gotta get over this bullshit. I’m a 26 year old loser with nothing going on except I am with an amazing creature who (for some bizarre reason) loves me as much as I love her…I’m an idiot but I’m not dumb enough to question that for a second. I am very lucky and despite this fucking rant that will only make sense to me, I do feel like our future will be bright. Better things are coming, I just hope the chaos inbetween doesn’t kill me first.

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something, something gaystuff

I am so gay with emotion right now that i could honestly kick my own ass if i wasn’t so happy. Not even a month ago i gave up on both women and men, deciding they both were equally bat shit insane…then this crazy little lady walked into my life and changed everything. Ha. I’m don’t really have a point. I’m just bragging. Real talk.

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the start

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the rage race part two?

Electric boogaloo. I’m not even sure what the actual score is at this point. I do feel i may be ahead by a nose at this point, ha. I guess it doesn’t really matter in the end knowing that any moment everything can come to a screeching halt and believe me when i say it, I do not want to be around to witness the crash and burn that is definitely coming. Big time. What am i saying? It’s going to be incredible. All i can do is embrace the beauty of ruin at this point. Damn the consequences, I am going to reach for the heavens and punch them in the sternum. Whatever the hell this “blog” was, it has now become documentation, the official proof that I am no longer a human being. Winning this self imposed challenge is all that’s important to me at the moment and as a savage (and often masochistic) creature I have some interest in sharing my next set of incredibly terrible decisions. Ugh, cheers.

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